Artemis Fowl Deciphered!
by Natsushi
Summary: The Gnommish at the bottom of the books is decoded here! Just so you know it has SPOILERS FOR THE BOOKS! Complete!
1. Artemis Fowl

**Artemis Fowl One: Artemis Fowl-**

**Deciphered!**

Standard Disclaimer: I don't own it! This goes for the others too! Number five has my A/Ns because I put that one up first. Oh, yeah, I got 1-4 and the Field Guide from others. I don't want to name them, but I didn't do the original decoding, I changed the format a little though. The Lost Colony I did all by myself.

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The prophecies of Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner, to Frond, Elven King. I am Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to the King. But I am much more than that, for I see the future written in the phlegm. For centuries we pixies have read the phlegm, but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarfs. But sometimes, ever a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things. A vision came to me two months ago when I was gazing deep into his majesty's own phlegm pot.

I was heating the pot over the fire when the first sign appeared. The vision was more vivid and more detailed than any I had previously seen. Because of it's importance, I decided to write it down for posterity. And so I can say I told you so.

I saw an age when the People have been driven underground by the Mud Men. This is what the phlegm told me. In this time one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature. A Mud Man unlike any other. He shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale, he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yes, it must be a mistake for he seems a mere youth. Surely, no Mud Boy could outwit the People! But I now see that the boy is not alone. He is aided by a formidable warrior scarred from a thousand battles.

Fowl shall hold the People to ransom for their most precious possession-gold. And in spite of all our magic, there is a chance that he will prevail. For he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately, how the story ends I cannot say.

But there was more to see. There is another story to come. Someone will bring the people and the Mud Men together, the worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all the creatures of Earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor? It is not clear. But he shall start a war unlike anything the People have ever seen.

Those who were enemies shall be united. And for the first time there will be Mud Men below ground. I have only one clue to his identity; a riddle. "_Goblins shall rise and Haven shall fall. A villainous elf is behind it all. To find the one who disappoints, look ye to where the finger points. Instead of one face, this elf has two. Both speak false and none speak true. While publicly he lends a helping hand, his true aim is to seize command_."

I know. It's not very plain, is it? I don't understand either. But perhaps in the future all will become clear. Look for a power hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale. And so this is Ohm's legacy. A warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner, then there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold. Here endth the first prophecies of Ohm.


	2. The Arctic Incident

**Artemis Fowl Two: The Arctic Incident-**

**Deciphered!

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**

Congratulations human. If you have cracked this code, than you are more intelligent than most of your species. This is a message from the fairy people. We are seeking out our allies among the Mud Men. Though most humans are dull witted creatures, there are some exceptions. You, for example. The reason for your intelligence is that you have fairy ancestors. Do you feel different from those around you, Are your ears a bit pointier than most? Is your tongue long enough to touch your nose? Do you dream of flying? Have you ever thought that you don't belong among the Mud Men? That is because you have fairy blood in your veins. So, young Mud Fairy, I have a mission for you. As one of the People, it is your duty to protect Earth from those who will destroy it. You must become a new race of Mud men, who love this planet as much as the fairy folk. There is only one simple rule. Use only what you need, and use it wisely. Do this and Earth will survive. Go now and begin your quest. I shall repeat this message for those humans whose fairy intelligence is buried deeper than yours.


	3. The Eternity Code

**Artemis Fowl Three: The Eternity Code-**

**Deciphered!

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**

A message from Artemis Fowl. Encrypted. My dear newfound ally, if you have deciphered this code then you are of sufficient intelligence to aid me in my mission. You may have heard of the Fowl family, and imagine this mission to be illegal, or even dangerous.

I know what you are thinking _This person Artemis Fowl has obviously lost his mind. Fairy people. He cannot honestly expect me to believe this nonsense. _It is an understandable reaction. Two years ago, I would have reacted exactly the same way; but a lot can change in two years. I have seen green skinned sprites fly under their own power. I have seen dwarfs use their cavernous mouths to dig tunnels. I have witnessed the healing power of elves and touched the flank of a noble centaur. These creatures exist. Take my word for it.

But as powerful as these creatures are they fear one thing- humans. We are the only living creatures with the power the overthrow their underground society. Our numbers could subdue even magic. So the people have decided that it is too dangerous to have a human boy with fairy knowledge in his head. Soon they will mind wipe me and this extraordinary information will disappear. There is one way to stop this happening. I have entrusted a computer disk to a reprobate of Mulch Diggums. The disk contains all my knowledge of the fairy folk. Of course, the mind wipe will cause me to forget all about the dwarf and the disk. Diggums should bring the disk to me ,but common criminals are not to be trusted. I ask you to get a message to me. The message is simple. Six words only: _Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums_. Wherever you see one of the faithful clutching this book repeat those words. The message will spread like a virus across the world eventually reaching my ears. I will act upon it putting all my resources into locating the mysterious Mister Diggums. Once I find him the disk will reactivate all my memories and the knowledge will be mine again. Do this for me and when I rule the world then you will be rewarded. Remember _Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums_.

Your new friend,

Artemis Fowl the Second.


	4. The Opal Deception

**Artemis Fowl Four: The Opal Deception-**

**Deciphered!

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**

A recruitment letter from the centaur Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements Police:

Trusted ally, if you have decoded this Gnomish message, then you are a deputy officer in the Lower Elements Police. You will not be aware of this fact, because it is the practice of the LEP to mindwipe our human allies. We do this so they cannot remember being recruited. If you cannot remember the Fairy People, or our underground city, then you cannot betray our existence to the greedy humans. Of course, not all humans are greedy. You, deputy, are a noble member of your species, and clever too. Our intelligence department studied your file and concluded they you were suitable for LEP membership. At the moment, you are only a deputy officer. To become a fully fledged officer, you must complete four tasks.

**Number one**: Decode this message, something you are well on your way to completing.

**Number two**: Save the life of a member of another species. You can complete this task in any number of ways: open window to release a trapped fly, build a bird bath in your garden, release a mouse from a trap.

**Number three**: Achieve a perfect score on a school test, or homework assignments. In this job, you need to be smart, as well as fit.

**Number four**: Wash yourself every day for a week This is a difficult assignment, especially for you boys who do not like contact with water. If you are going to work underground often in cramped tunnels, you will appreciate a partner who does not smell like a hermit dwarf.

Once you have completed these tasks, you must summon your recruiting officer in the ancient fashion:

1) Go to your backyard or nearest green area. Make sure you are not being watched! Find a soft spot of ground and burrow a six-inch hole with a broom handle or short stick. When your hole is ready, tap out the letters 'L'-'E'-'P' in horse code.

The code for 'L'-'E'-'P' is as follows:

'L' tap-tap-wiggle-tap, 'E', wiggle-wiggle-tap, 'P' tap-wiggle-drill.

Do this at least a hundred times, and our underground sensors will pick up the vibration and send up an L. E. P. officer with your uniform and orders.

Good luck, deputy,

Foaly


	5. The Lost Colony

**Artemis Fowl Five: The Lost Colony-**

**Deciphered!**

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The demon scrolls tell of a warlock that will come to save our people, but I wouldn't rely too much on the scrolls. They also say that rabbits are the supreme beings and the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. Hence, trust the scrolls at your peril.

There are, however, a few tips for survival in a demon tribe that might be helpful, if you were a human, say, and had never actually met a demon before, which is unlikely to say the least. If you were human, you wouldn't be able to read this in the first place.

So, demon, survival tips. First, never stab a demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go on for generations. It is fine to stab a demon with your sword, he will congratulate you for managing that, but only poor warriors lose their swords and then get stabbed with them. If the opportunity arises, give it a miss.

Second, demons, have a pretty comprehensive system of sign language in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone else's buttock, unless they stab you with your own sword, that is considered very bad manners. Learn the difference between the left buttock-slap, and the right buttock-slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one, it means that there is a full moon due that evening, and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right one, it simply means that you remind him of his right buttock. You see where the problem could arise.

Finally, never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical demons assure us that the sneeze comprises millions of tiny, flying demons that zoom around the earth until they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host humans, they hack into their scalps with tiny axes, causing terrible headaches which makes the human easy to defeat in battle. Therefore, when a demon sneezes, immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze, so that the tiny demons can pass on the message to any human they land on.


	6. Field Guide

**Artemis Fowl Field Guide-**

**Deciphired!

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**

A bit of advice for fairies:

When a fairy is trapped above ground without magic, it is best to avoid contact with humans. Hide in the shallows of a river, as humans-especially children-do not like to wash themselves. Drape yourself with the skin of a sheep or goat, as humans are often not clever enough notice. If you are cornered by a human, slap the ground with the flat of your hand, as this will often frighten the Mud Men away. If this is unsuccessful, admit that you are a fairy, and humans, being cynical creatures will think that you are a friend in a costume trying to make a fool out of them. If all this fails, then ask the human if you could possibly borrow some money. The Mud Man will flee with great speed and never ask you again.


	7. The Time Paradox

**Artemis Fowl Six: The Time Paradox-**

**Deciphered!**

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_From the collected correspondence of Opal Koboi: a series of letters between Opal Koboi, inmate number 1-100-0-101, Atlantis Maximum Security Penitentiary, and Wing Commander, Vinaya, Haven Council_:

**Koboi: **My dear Wing Commander, while I realize that my first probation hearing is not due for four hundred years, I feel that it would be in the People's best interests to release me before then. After all, the humans are becoming more sophisticated daily, and a genius such as myself will be needed to ensure that fairy technology remains superior to human technology.

**Vinaya: **Dream on, Koboi. You're in prison. Accept it.

**Koboi: **I am sensing negative vibrations from you, Wing Commander. Do not be so quick to judge. People can change. Surely, you accept that. I admit that once I found the idea of being the planet's supreme power an attractive one, but who hasn't secretly nurtured the dream of wiping out humanity and utterly dominating one's own peers? I see now that this dream might be unacceptable to some narrow-minded fairies and I am prepared to swear on my pixie honor that should I be released, I would not attempt to take over the world again.

**Vinaya: **On your pixie honor? Wow, I'll send the transfer shuttle right over.

**Koboi: **I see now, Wing Commander, that you never had any intention of sending the transfer shuttle "right over". In fact, you were being sarcastic—mocking me—from the safety of Police Plaza in Haven. I waited for three weeks before I realized that the shuttle was not coming for me. I packed my belongings so that I would be ready, including my collection of model sea horses, which I fashioned from chewed cardboard. My favorite sea horses, Twinky and Goodboy, were broken in the process. Twinky cries every night over his severed tail and Goodboy does not look so dashing without his head. Your callousness leaves me no alternative by to place you on my revenge list. When I am finally free of this horrible place and elevated to my rightful position as Queen of the World, you will take my place in this cell, and I will send my troll minions to issue daily beatings with batons fashioned from sea horse tails. Fitting punishment, I am sure you agree.


	8. The Atlantis Complex

**Artemis Fowl Seven: The Atlantis Complex-**

**Deciphered!**

From the V-Diary of Artemis Fowl II; commentary by Dr. J. Argon-LEP Consultant and Grand Probemeister of the Psych Brotherhood.

Artemis Fowl appears on screen. He is disheveled and toys incessantly with a small coin. Both the untidiness and fidgeting are most unusual. Artemis Fowl is known for his attention to detail, especially where his own grooming and presentation are concerned. His voice, too, is cause for worry. Stress readings are in the nineties and his lower ranges are skewed in a full third of an octave below the norm (based on comparison with the interview-room recordings).

Artemis holds the coin between his thumb and forefinger and we see that there is a circular hole in the center. The coin obviously holds great significance for the boy. He slams it onto the desk, then picks it up again and spins it, unable, it would seem, to let it be—early signs of compulsion. Worrying.

He speaks.

**Artemis**: People called me a boy genius  
A wunderkind.  
Perhaps I was a prodigiy. But I will be fifteen soon, and too old for that label. So what am I then? A teenage criminal mastermind perhaps? Or just a common thief? Who can a thief trust? There were a few, I thought. But could I have been wrong? Is that possible?

Artemis taps the coin against the surface of the desk precisely twenty times before speaking again. Perhaps there is a significance to the number twenty. Artemis fowl frowns and rubs the deep line between his brows.

**Artemis**: I thought I knew everything. Now I think I know too much. This new knowledge, these compulsions, are taking me over. Soon they will drive my very speech patterns.

He taps the coin on the desk. Twenty taps again. He seems not to want to do it, but is compelled. Oh, dear. It is just as Captain Short said. I am worried now. Very worried.

NOTE: Check legality of using insults, shock therapy, or possibly psycho-surgery on humans.

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A/N: So that's that. A little late, but, eh. I'm REALLY trying hard to get back to fanfiction, but college keeps me on my toes. Maybe over the summer?


	9. The Last Guardian

**Artemis Fowl Eight: The Last Guardian-  
Decoded!**

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The Last Will and Testimony of Artemis Fowl the Second, being the final wishes of Artemis Fowl in the event of his death at the hands of the pixie, Opal Koboi. Should he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this Will becomes null and void and shall have no legal weight in court, human or fairy. I, Artemis Fowl the Second, being of exceedingly sound mind and reasonably sound body bequeath my estate and advice as follows:

To my father I leave the three hundred million dollars in bearer bonds that are hidden, believe it or not, under my own bed; the last spot anyone would look, and possibly the most booby-trapped on Earth. Butler will know how to disengage the security measures.

To my darling mother I leave my stocks portfolio including my shares in ethical funds and registered charities, which I know she will manage with her usual moral determination, and I also bequeath to her the department store on New York's Fifth Avenue, which I had planned to give to her on her birthday.

I wish my brother Myles to inherit my laboratory and all its equipment, with access to the Special Projects room be granted on his eighth birthday, when he will be mature enough to deal with other dimensions, aliens and time travel.

For my brother Beckett, I have purchased a lifetime's supply of slime so he can coat himself in gunge as often as he pleases. I also wish Beckett to have the ant farm, provided he promises not to eat any of the ants.

My faithful bodyguard Butler is, of course, entitled to his generous Severance Package and is under no obligation to stay on, but it would be greatly appreciated if he renewed his contract and remained in the employ of the Fowl family. Apart from his pension, I wish Butler to become legal owner of the apartments in which he has lived since I was born, and of the dojo where he tried to teach me to fight.

To Juliet Butler, who has protected my brothers so faithfully, I leave my sound system which is based on gel-speaker technology and which should make even her collection of modern music sound reasonably non-offensive. I also leave to Juliet the three sports cars and a lifetime subscription of the Wrestling Channel.

To my friend Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police, I leave the thirty-seven solid gold bars that were the price of her release when I kidnapped her all those years ago. I know that I can never make up for that crime, but hopefully, you can think of me as a friend when you do think of me.

To the dwarf Mulch Diggums, I leave the refrigerated warehouse in London Docklands that is stocked with enough frozen chicken to satisfy even his appetite for several decades.

To the centaur Foaly, I leave the blueprints to an interstellar craft that is so advanced it makes his spacecraft look like hot air balloons. I have hidden the designs inside his own system where he would never think to look for them. To find them, Foaly must open his own security file on me, blink eight times, and say the words 'Artemis Fowl is smarter than I am'. If this does not work, then at least I will smile in the afterlife.

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A/N: And that's it! This is the last Artemis Fowl book! Please check out my other stories, I hope you enjoy them!


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